Today I wanted to be sick almost constantly.

I sat in Clara's room for a few hours while she curled up in a quiet ball, shivering from the cold  on her bones.

- I hate Logan for what he's done to me.
I said this while picking lint balls off the blanket she was hiding under and flicking them under the opposite bed.
- I hate him too. I want to punch him in the face.
- I didn't want to be in love with him, but I feel like my innards are external whenever I think of him. I feel like a kangaroo with a sea urchin in its pouch, like I'm being poisoned from the inside out.
- Literally, Dylan, if I ever meet him I'll properly punch him in his face.

I laughed at that. Clara is ferocious like a tigress, but quiet as a mouse. She wears her rage as a mask of determination. She's like an origami bird - beautiful. Angular.

- Please, do beat him up if you get the chance.
- I will. He's too much of a pussy to beat up a girl anyway.
- True. It's frustrating because he never did anything wrong before we started to break up, but then became this total ogre. I don't get it.
- He clearly realised he wasn't good enough for you and that made him angry.

I laughed again, for a long, long time.

Secretly, though I wanted to agree with this, I had never felt good enough for him. I never feel good enough full stop. That's part of me. I have an integral, innate sense of insufficiency. When I gain weight I feel sick, like I want to take a scalpel to my body and slice of anything that isn't vital to live. When I lose it, I think that there's so long to go that I get overwhelmed. And, sadly, my weight isn't even the worst of my problems.

Ketch is out again. They let him out every now and then, but he's always back within the week. It just doesn't work on the outside for him. Within hours of release he's trying to get back in here again. I don't flatter myself in thinking that it's anything to do with me. He could find sex in a monastery. Actually... sometimes, from what I've heard, sex seems to find him. I'd admire it if it didn't make me so horribly insecure.